the treasure collector;

little superhero girl

2006-10-23T19:55:00.000+08:00

I love this song. It's written and sung by a very talented singer-songwriter by the name of Corrinne May.

It says what I'm feeling like now.

I guess, sometimes, you just want to reach out and do so many things but you feel so small and that whatever you do won't make a difference. You can choose to kick back and watch the world pass you by or you can try to conquer the whole wide world (like it says in this song).

But to try and conquer the world, I always feel drowned in naive foolishness. I don't know, it's like being a little girl who wants to be a superhero. The adults will point and laugh at her silliness, yet she still believes that she has hidden superpowers that she can use to fight the baddies.

Thank you jing and M for hearing me and my mad idea today. It meant a lot to me because I was starting to think I could no longer come up with logical ideas. With your vote of confidence, I'm going to try.

Hope really doesn't cost anything.

<3

Little Superhero Girl written by Corrinne May
I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn
I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore and
Imagine how I'll make the world a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-Yeah

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool
I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark,
but don't bite

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-Yeah

Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me from myself

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world

Note to self

2006-10-22T22:07:00.000+08:00

It's because life passes by and you can't change that.

Thoughts

2006-10-22T15:44:00.000+08:00

You know, when you think too much, you might be depressed about things.

Like last night, when I stayed up to redo my PW section for the #5 time (cos I'manirritatingperfectionist haha). I started thinking about how my life has changed since we left secondary school. I started thinking about my friends. I'm thankful for those who I still keep in contact with and can talk loads to, and also for those new friends I made that have made life something to smile about.

But as I thought more, I thought about some people who have changed and drifted away.

I felt sad. But I should have expected it.

Sigh, guests coming. Ciao.

Feverish

2006-10-20T18:12:00.000+08:00

HELLOOOOOO WORLD. Survived the night. I'm very very very happy to say that the night was yesterday. I.e. it's over and we all survived. Finally!

I was trying to stay awake and be a good girl, periodically trying to forget that my bloody high temperature of 38 degrees despite taking my medicine was a fact, and certainly not a dream. Felt dizzy at some points too but in the spirit of it all, managed to pull it off, looking decently healthy. It's difficult to sustain a conversation when you are about to break into a cough every few minutes. Lozenges saved my day. But otherwise, I lost my appetite completely, which is really sad, since the food was my favourite fare.

When you're sick, all your senses are dulled and you don't even feel stage fright.
The only thing I could be bothered to worry about was my sarong. Haha, I survived that too.

I'm glad they liked the cover page too. It took my my entire post-promo period and the last 1.5 weeks to settle everything regarding that one thing. Was quite sad to see some booklets left behind on their chairs. Ah well, I shall learn to take it in my stride. But all in all, most took it home. Heard it received some nice compliments too.

It's not my best job, but it's my most precise job done ever.

I learnt many lessons yesterday. On leadership, on life, people and perhaps a bit more about this culture. I may not agree with everything but it doesn't mean I can't respect you. Sometimes, I just wish you knew that it isn't easy to see things in that way. I'm just not the same and I'm not going to realign my principles.

On another note, I have received a big insult today from someone more senior than me. I don't mean to be disrespectful. You are entitled to your opinions and maybe your concerns are real, but the person you should be speaking to isn't me. Remember? You made a choice.

This is a huge insult to my loyalty, my integrity and all the work I have done for this organisation. I'm disappointed that given your experience, you have chosen to judge me before you gave me a chance to clarify facts. I'm sick, asthmatic and coughing, what do you expect me to do to get you to stop rambling?

And in case you never realised, I don't want anything from you. When I do something, I do it as well as I can. I don't do that because I crave your gratitude or words of praise. I do things because I actually believe in it.

Well, if I can't meet your standards, I'm just going have to work hard to exceed all the standards set before me.

The day has begun

2006-10-19T11:20:00.000+08:00

I missed school today. Running a mild fever, suffering from sore throat, runny nose, joint aches and breaking out in cold sweat. I can't taste anything as my tongue is like a bittergourd now. It feels swollen (haha, my sense of perception has gone haywire too) and it tastes bitter. That really sucks. I want to get well now.

Did I mention that in my groggy state yesterday, I brushed my hand past the rice cooker which was switched on? THE HEAT!!! OUCH. The red swelling has since gone down after ice treatment.
Lesson learnt: The kitchen is a dangerous place when you are sick and hardly conscious.

Thanks to everyone who smsed to ask if I was ok. I appreciate it. (:

I have less than 5 hours to be ready for action and I can't believe that I won't be able to savour the food. Haha greedy me. I haven't figured out how to tie my sarong yet (HAHA loser). I also have to cram the lyrics into my groggy head and hope I can still talk to people later.

I'm wondering what my classmates are doing in school now. I think, Biology lecture.

Oh crap. I forgot to email sensei! I better read my lecture notes and study for Chem Mock SPA. I have already arranged to do it first thing tomorrow.

GET WELL NOW.

Tension

2006-10-18T19:05:00.000+08:00

Today, I have drunken 1 Ribena, 1 manuka honey drink, 1 ginger tea (even though I hate it) + 4 cups of water. I have also eaten more pills (many kinds of vitamins+panadol+Clarinase) than I did for the whole of last week. I must continue. I have less than 24 hours to restore the pink in my face (i.e. healthy).

Meanwhile, everything else is falling into place.

All 300 pieces received and given the green light.

Tomorrow will be an exciting day.

<24 hours.

The tension, the tension. It feels like the day before Speech Day '04 again.

SMILE

2006-10-17T20:29:00.000+08:00

The haze sucks. I feel asthmatic, wheezing and all. Dang.

Oncoming; last minute changes, more late nights (+mornings), crazy changes in plans (the last minute nature scares me nonetheless) and more Vitamin C for me.

Everyone, take care. Smile more.
And don't hurt your ankles, like me.

times like these

2006-10-16T22:10:00.000+08:00

Moments like these are priceless.

When you're panicking about pw, your parents come into your room, disrupt you from your thoughts so that you will help them find the right song. Then they start dancing.

Who cares whether anyone has 2 left feet?

Dance like no one's watching.

And suddenly, the stress evaporates.

Be careful what you wish for

2006-10-16T16:36:00.000+08:00

It might just come true.

Shoot. My ankle is really hurting now! OH NO.

CRISIS: I still can't remember how to tie a sarong. *panics*

Memory of a goldfish...

2006-10-15T23:55:00.000+08:00

Of all things that I can forget, I forget the things that are rather important...e.g.
I FORGOT HOW TO TIE A SARONG (in the correct traditional way)!

I suck.

Just a thought

2006-10-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

As with always, Blogger deletes my post. But it's not as if I have any important to put down anyway.

Here goes:
Practice makes perfect.
Shou neng shen qiao (should be the Mandarin version; everyday I get reminded of how appalling the state of my Mandarin is).

Keep practising, don't give up and erm... I trust you even if you don't trust yourself. Yup.
I hope I don't stay muted for much longer. I can't tahan being muted for long.

I realise that I'm too much of a chatterbox.

The Haze

2006-10-15T11:22:00.000+08:00

I wanted to blog about the haze. But I realise that I have conveniently forgotten much of my Geography facts. I am ashamed of myself. I have such a small brain. Ah well. Hence, to avoid confusing others, I will not blog any technicalities.

Haze haze, go away. And don't even think of coming back. Thanks.

The PSI is rising again! That really sucks because I feel asthmatic again. To worsen matters, I can't even stretch my voice a little bit. My throat is getting increasingly sore. Dang. But that's okay actually , because I haven't memorise the song anyway. Oops. (Hey, I'm being honest here!)

Oh no, will I recover my voice in time?

I'm very sure that all that continuous talking/ persuasion during Open House has not helped in my recovery. But at least, I know it went pretty okay. But losing my voice when I'm just a few days away is really really bad. I must recover by Wednesday. To do so, I will drink all the weird Chinese tonics people in my household drink, yes, even ginger and ginseng, which I absolutely detest.

On last reflection, in the name of giving my best, I have already made like 5 concessions for this day. Amazing. Normally, it won't happen... Contrary to popular beliefs, I happen to bend/ break the unwritten rules all the time. Haha just that I'm so discreet no one realises. (:

GAH. Salt water, honey+lemon, what will work in times of desperation?

Other than my muted state, I hope everything goes to plan and printing goes smoothly. The last thing anyone needs is something else to panic about. I have to make arrangements for collection and distribution too... gargh.

OH PW. I can't figure out what to do with the last slides (my own section). I feel really uncreative now. PRODUCTIVITY must increase! *kicks self and pulls hair*

I MUST CUT MY HAIR ASAP. I hate having hair longer than shoulder-length. But meanwhile, I must resist the urge to grab a pair of scissors and start snipping myself.

R E S I S T!

OH NO

2006-10-14T16:54:00.000+08:00

OHNO OHNO OHNO OHNO OHNO
I forgot someone's birthday!

How can I do this?
I never forgot a single birthday last year when I was birthday I/C but I forgot quite a few this year. I feel so bad! (No, I am bad!) I must make it up somehow... Hopefully after next week, when everything returns to some order other than chaos, I will start sending all those emails I owe people and meet everyone who has flown to sunny island Singapore.

MADNESS MADNESS MADNESS : Steps conveniently forgotten, a song unmemorised, voice fast disappearing, KI untouched, PW in the midst of confusion, calls not made and printed copies non-existent!

PW! For some reason, I am very confused with the order of the slides. Haha sometimes I think I lack a brain. OK work faster and smarter! Ciao.

On an utterly random note, someday, I want to sit in a kebaya shop, talk about strange things to the random bibiks who visit and soak in the cultural richness of the designs and atmosphere. Colourful characters visit colourful places. (:

Patience

2006-10-14T11:04:00.000+08:00

If patience is the capacity to endure pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness, then I have much to learn.
If patience were a choice, then I must be always (wrongly) choosing otherwise.
If patience means biting my lip and waiting for my turn, then I must learn to bear the pain.
If patience involves waiting for time to pass me by, then perhaps stopping the clocks would help.
A few more days and I'll be able to... cut my hair! rest my sucky voice properly! cease memorising funny things! stop fighting with macromedia fireworks! and erm, have my weekends back again!

PATIENCE!

I can't understand why I can't just be a noob! why me why me why me
The world is unfair.

Hmmm

2006-10-13T16:37:00.000+08:00

Was just thinking about something someone said to me during Open House today. Nah, I shouldn't feel defeated, some people just like acting smart. Though my comeback line wasn't that bad, on retrospect, it could have been much sharper. Ah well, forget it. Some people should never be taken seriously, especially when they don't even take themselves seriously.

After 13 years, it's you again :] Let's hope to leave a better memory this time. I still wonder if you ever realised what you were like 13 years ago versus now. I'm just glad (:

Meanwhile, smile everyone! It's coming soon. I can feel it! And we can do it! Jiayou jiayou!

And randomly, I need honey and lemon desperately.

positivity!

2006-10-12T19:37:00.000+08:00

SALSA!
the mexican food, i mean. Haha ;)

Relax. Everyday is a great day :)

madness

2006-10-12T17:26:00.000+08:00

Just in case Clara or Jing come by, SAY 'HI' TO THE MARSUPIALS FOR ME! And take care of yourselves!

OK I think I'm mad. I can't believe I just did that. That said, I better work at triple the rate now. I don't want to disappoint anyone! A promise is a promise.

Meanwhile, voice, come back NOW.
I feel muted.

Here we go again. Please turn gently.

Being sick sucks.

2006-10-12T16:34:00.000+08:00

Random note: I do things like design new layouts whenever I'm stressed.

On top of having a dripping nose since morning, I think I've partially lost my voice. How now! I need to recover in time for Open House tomorrow as I have promised people to be there to do things. Thereafter, I have brilliantly arranged to be elsewhere, seeing to other commitments.

There are only 7 days left and I'm really feeling the pressure of living up to expectations. At this point, there can be nothing more annoying than "what ifs" and changing plans. Just when you think that you have ticked something off the To Do List, it comes back again and you have to redo it. Unfortunately, it's of such great priority that I'm afraid everything else has to come second place. That means that I rarely am able to finish doing other things.

I hate having to push things back and having plans changed. But what can I do? I'm feel controlled by the most powerful factor called Change. Ah well, 7 more days, if I can do it, so can you.

Jiayou!

2006-10-12T13:53:00.000+08:00

TOA PAYOH INDUSTRIAL PARK.

How to get there?

another mystery

2006-10-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

I don't know why...

I even try when you're more interested with pouring cold water.

Anger management!

2006-10-11T10:25:00.000+08:00

Was just reading my last two entries... I am such an angry person. I need to calm down and collect my thoughts again!

Meanwhile, work beckons, calls need to be made and appointments arranged.

Please take care of your health everyone. Despite having a knack for not practising what I preach, I know that sleeping early, eating well and being happy will keep everyone healthy!

SMILE.

pushover

2006-10-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, am I a pushover? Yeah, well maybe I am, sometimes.

People owe me $$ and I hope they pay up soon. I only have $4 left for the whole week. Basically I paid for the lecture notes first. I don't mean to sound petty or cheapskate or whatever but it isn't a very small sum of money (to me) and I need repayment SOON. My mom is angry with me for paying. She thinks I'm totally stupid or I can't count to save my own life. I give up trying to please everyone.

I am stressed for time, money and sleep. You're not the only one, you know.

But what the heck, who the hell cares even if I exist anyway? I'm just a dispensable member of yet another social group. You can throw me away and it won't make a difference to the social dynamics. Anyway, I don't contrbute much. Nice and clean, cheap and usable. Sure, use me dry anytime, I'm there to be used. It must be written on my forehead: Use me as a piece of tissue paper, liquid paper or anything else! Basically, wring me dry!

I'm sorry about the cynicism.

There's someone who's been staying up really late to work hard for this. She is too quiet and particularly cynical lately. No one notices. When I ask, everyone thinks I'm reading too much into it. But I trust my intuition. I think she needs a hug. And no, she isn't me. I want to tell her what a great job she is doing, even if the rest of the world sucks and thinks they know what works best.

You know what, the rest of the world, you can learn to shut up some time. Like now, for instance.

fine, i'm stressed.

2006-10-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

Alright fine. I admit it, I haven't felt as stressed as this since last year. I don't even remember being this stressed during promo preparations. In fact, I might have been too calm then. But that really is, besides the point.

Whatever it is, I have come to the conclusion that if we were more patient with each other, the world will be a much brighter and happier place.

To raise an example, when you see someone multi-tasking with X and Z, on top of answering a string of work-related smses and emails, and scanning stuff, do not demand for air time to be heard about what she can be more stressed about. I already don't watch TV more than twice a week and am trying to do all my work, whether school or not, at the expense of sleep, food and whatnots.

I don't get what you're upset about! I'm not angry with you. Being quiet would make you more pissed but being silent might do the situation some good.

I know you are concerned but you're really making me more vexed about the state of things. Trust me, I am fully aware. But being bitter isn't going to help thing; being reasonable and constructive would.

I refuse to succumb to depression, no matter how negative people around me are. And that's all I can say to you.

In case you don't, I happen to have some faith.

reconciled

2006-10-10T18:58:00.000+08:00

I have reconciled with Adobe PDF, Macromedia Fireworks and MS Word. I realised that I was the loser all along, having not realised what else I could have done instead. It is dangerous to think that there is only one solution to everything. If text boxes don't work, try painting, if that doesn't work, there's also... ...

At least I can now happily say that it is ABID (not a bit, but A Blessing In Disguise). It has turned out to look more subtle and artistic.

YAY! Some things are not worth the sweat.

Thanks to a certain perfectionist, I now measure distances on the computer with a ruler and check every detail many times.

Ok, must talk to Mr. Printer. It feels like pb all over again, minus the skipping recesses and lunches etc. (: The excitement no less though. Lol.

I'M SO PROUD OF US. You guys are the scariest perfectionists I have ever met, but also the most professional ones... 9 more days, we can do it. <3

You inspire me.

***
Tomorrow, 404 heads back to Stevens Road. I MISS THE BEIGE, GREEN, WHITE, GREY, YELLOW AND PURPLE WALLS + my funky teachers + the friendly office staff+ Mdm Missliah + my juniors + the security guards and the list goes on. In short, I miss rg A LOT. <3

Alrighty, for now, PW beckons (:
POWERPOINT! One of most favorite softwares.

@^!#!*@!#$?>=

2006-10-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

Desperation calls for desperate measures. Short of kicking the CPU and strangling the monitor, I am reduced to begging Macromedia Fireworks to save what I have done 29 times. Please, WORK! It will!!! Stay cool and calm.

We have come this far. We will get there.

WHY!!!!!! How can you do this to me, PDF! (I'm not stressed, angry, pissed or whatever; I just think that PDF sucks TO THE CORE.) At this moment, if you love PDF and its function, do not talk to me.

PDF sucks.
That's a fact, a very emotive fact. Ok, don't argue with me.

I'm almost there... but it's just one thing that is holding me back: Murphy's Law.

On a sidenote, I am optimistic about PW! (:

2006-10-09T17:47:00.000+08:00

I AM NOT STRESSED! I am just a little flustered.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
TRUST THE COOLIO PRINTER DUDE.
TRUST YOUR FUNKY AUNT.
TRUST YOUR STUPID (WORRYWART) YOURSELF.

I have everything under control.
I can do this.
This is manageable.

You'll do everything you need to. Including S* haha.
Let go and swing. XD

CALM AND COLLECTED.
RATIONALISE.

*

I can do this.
I can do that too.
I can do everything.
(haha self-talk is funny)

Breathe, kid. BREATHE.

ranting

2006-10-09T14:18:00.000+08:00

Life's a bitch but you don't have to be one.

Sometimes we don't know how our actions affect others.
We forget that our body language affects what comes out of our mouths.
We forget that the world isn't just about "me" alone.

I'm not afraid to admit that I can be a real idiot at times. I can be harsh with my words even when I don't intend to hurt your feelings. Sugar-coating is really not my thing, never was and never will, as far as I can help it. I am frank, maybe to the point of being curt. I'm sorry.

I understand that you have feelings too and you can feel dejected when your ideas are trashed, despite the fact that the intentions may be good. It's nothing wrong. It's not your fault to take things personally. It's easy to say "don't take it personally" but it's never easy to treat it that way.

I hate destructive comments too. I'm really trying to be milder with my words. I'm just not the kind of girl who will smile and pacify people...

You see, we're not that different however it may appear to be on the surface.

I'm tired too but I can slap myself awake if you have something
to say. I will, if I have to.
I'm sick but blocked ears isn't a good reason to not
listen.
I'm just as busy even though my phone isn't ringing every other
minute with lunch appointments.
I'm a pessimist at heart but I can try to be positive.

Just give me something to believe in.

I haven't given up.

So why the heck should you!

Don't be such a wimp.

follow-up

2006-10-08T14:26:00.000+08:00

Argh, I feel so insulted by you guys.

Here is the mark breakdown:
Hooey: 1/3
Jing: 2/5
Swatto: 1/5
wz: 2/3

I am disappointed!

No one shall get to eat the ice-cream. Nope, not even me. I've been given strict instructions to be on a diet. Haha because I'm "too fat". What crap la. Like I'm going to go on some super starvation diet after hearing that. Never take what bibiks (married Nyonya) say to you too seriously! :D Must take it with a gigantic spoon of spice, tumeric, belachan and salt!

Anyway, since when was I one to go dieting? I give up so easily. Haha... but still, to be on the safe side with the friendly E. coli (haha jing+hooey, remember the bacteria-on-holiday joke? I have no sense of humour and yet, you all can laugh!), I'll refrain from consuming lactose.

The answers are below. The false ones are in red.

1. I have Indian roots.
Lesson on Geography, Sri Lanka is not the same as India. Check it up in Wikipedia or something. Haha my granddad is Sri Lankan. So yes, I have Sri Lankan roots but no Indian roots. I ain't no Chindian but still mixed like rojak!

2. I was once told by my Chinese tutor that my lacklustre standard of Chinese can be forgiven, after all I'm a half-past-six/ non-pure blood Chinese anyway.
This is true. Recently, I was once again insulted by a cab driver who suspected I was ethnic Malay because in his words, "your Chinese is no good la". I was like , "!!!!!!!"

3. When I was young, people used to call me "boy boy" because apparently I looked like one even when I wore a dress.
This is also true. My hair just didn't grow beyond my ears until later and I wasn't the most gentle kid around either, you see.

4. I prefer baking to cooking.
I have baking fetishes every year-end holiday.

5. One of my favourite desserts is tiramisu.
Of course! Tiramisu is sinfully good.

6. I listen to more reggae music than R & B.
I love R&B in most languages, even Japanese. Reggae is fun but not really my type always. (Hello Jing, I happen to know what I type okkkk.)

7. At one stage of my life, my ambition was to study medicine.
Never really was an ambition. Just a consideration into one or two fields. Not an ambition.

8. I unfortunately own quite a few pink things even though I dislike the colour itself.
Sad but true.

9. Once, when I was young, after watching an advertisement for McDonalds, I had a dream which featured a certain "Purple Monster".
Okay this is true. Everyone in the family remembers this dream of mine, except me. HAHA.

10. I have won about 5 art competitions in total throughout the time I was in primary school.
This is TRUE! I won a couple of watches from the yearly drug-free interschool competitions too. I still have the entire set of coloured markers I won in primary 4 for the Eat Fruits and Vegetables Week Art Contest. Hmmph no one believes I can draw! WHAT THE -_-'/ I just stopped doing art in secondary school when I had more things to occupy myself with.

11. I used to keep a dog but before that it was a hamster.
You are dead right, jing. Speciation was never my thing. Haha falsie here!

12. I have an unspoken fear of cats fighting. (Lol metaphorical cat fights too!)
I don't like cats very much. I hate the way their hair stands when they get into cat fights.

13. I listen to both Chinese and English radio stations.
Yes, it's true. I'd like to think I'm billingual, despite what random people say.

14. I celebrate my birthday by insisting that no one gets me a gift.
Another truth. I like the receiving non-material "gifts", like well wishes and thoughts. Not gifts.

15. I have ear holes.
Haha falsie! I have a mole at that part of my ear...

16. In general, I like talking to cab drivers.
They have interesting philosophies about life and if you're kaypoh like me, you'll ask about how IMF was and get the insiders' scoop. (:

17. I was from the welfare department of pb.
Yes, as much as I can be the mean person, I have a nice side too. Welfare 2005 rocked. I'm sure Welfare still rocks. Haha.

18. I can understand more than 2 Chinese dialects.
I understand a bit of Hokkien, Cantonese and quite a bit of Hakka.

19. I can understand more Bahasa Melayu than Baba Malay.
This is TRUE. I'm such a loserrrrrrrrr. One day I'll buy the Baba Malay dictionary and learn it well.

20. In kindergarten, my teacher used to label me as the stupid loserly kid. Once she called me "ben4 dan4" and on another instance, "zhu tou" or Mandarin for pig head.
TRUE! I'm quite a slow learner and she's quite a mean woman too. Haha now you know why I am slightly scarred from kindergarten. Hehe.

Weather.

2006-10-07T11:54:00.000+08:00

The haze situation in Singapore is horrendous. According to the TV display, the PSI Index reads 128. That is very unhealthy.

The thought of how hazy it is makes me feel asthmatic.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE.
And do the guessing quiz below. Thanks.

sigh.

2006-10-06T18:42:00.000+08:00

Ok long post ahead and I blame you, wz! I'm supposed to get ready for my "extra" class now. But I believe that procrastination will get me very very far today. Hehe. On top of that, I hope it eases the nerves. I must perfect that "I tried my best and have no regrets" look.

So yup, I got tagged to do this chiong-hei post.

#1. Think of 15 short bits of interesting stuff about yourself. And they've gotta be true.
#2. Come up with 5 false statements regarding yourself, but for fun's sake keep them in the threshold of believability.
#3. Jumble them all up together and list them in any order.
#4. Post them and let people guess which the five false ones are!
#5. Get 5 others to do the same.

1. I have Indian roots.
2. I was once told by my Chinese tutor that my lacklustre standard of Chinese can be forgiven, after all I'm a half-past-six/ non-pure blood Chinese anyway.
3. When I was young, people used to call me "boy boy" because apparently I looked like one even when I wore a dress.
4. I prefer baking to cooking.
5. One of my favourite desserts is tiramisu.
6. I listen to more reggae music than R & B.
7. At one stage of my life, my ambition was to study medicine.
8. I unfortunately own quite a few pink things even though I dislike the colour itself.
9. Once, when I was young, after watching an advertisement for McDonalds, I had a dream which featured a certain "Purple Monster".
10. I have won about 5 art competitions in total throughout the time I was in primary school.
11. I used to keep a dog but before that it was a hamster.
12. I have an unspoken fear of cats fighting. (Lol metaphorical cat fights too!)
13. I listen to both Chinese and English radio stations.
14. I celebrate my birthday by insisting that no one gets me a gift.
15. I have ear holes.
16. In general, I like talking to cab drivers.
17. I was from the welfare department of pb.
18. I can understand more than 2 Chinese dialects.
19. I can understand more Bahasa Melayu than Baba Malay.
20. In kindergarten, my teacher used to label me as the stupid loserly kid. Once she called me "ben4 dan4" and on another instance, "zhu tou" or Mandarin for pig head.

Make a guess and post it up. I'll treat the winner (must get 5/5) to an ice-cream! Haha.

a question

2006-10-05T22:38:00.000+08:00

Should I return to where I left off when the rest have cast their old paths with new soil?

And finally.

2006-10-05T17:34:00.000+08:00

Finally!

The nod of approval!

My standards have been raised once again!

Perfectionism is in my blood or something. Dang.

But who cares!

It is done for now. Now to buy the paper!

;)

...

2006-10-05T13:18:00.000+08:00

Once you remember, you won't forget.-- Mr N

So I guess, you forgot.

_____________________
I will now attempt to sever ties with perfectionism. Yes, I've had enough of it. Well at least for the moment huh.

Nothing I do will ever be perfect. To elaborate further, here is a quote: Perfection is an asymptote (Balpz, 2006).

When Balpz first said that to me, I stopped to think for a while. Laughed it off and said it was a good one (yeah, it still is). And then now, it has hit me harder than ever. She's so right... Since I can only tend towards it, it's quite a pointless pursuit to try and reach it. So yes, I'm sick and very very very tired of trying to attain perfection in yours, yours, yours and finally, your pair of eyes.

Give me a break. Please!
Sometimes I wish I could press "Ctrl+Z" in real life.
But then, there'd be nothing to separate the line between virtual reality and our reality.
Reality should be synonymous with a vaccuum cleaner.

Perfectionism

2006-10-04T19:45:00.000+08:00

That's it.

Someone beats me at being a total scary perfectionist.

Right down to MEASURING the distance of text from the margins of a page with a real-life ruler. Serious business here!

I'm going to start being LESS of a perfectionist NOW!

I wonder

2006-10-04T18:02:00.000+08:00

It's the marking holidays.

I'm wondering if I should have started on all my work projects with such immediacy the moment the exams ended.
It's as if I am missing the "fun/ slack" in the after-exams.

But you know what, too late to regret.

Just move on and try to locate the fun in work.

:>

FINALLY!

2006-10-04T16:23:00.000+08:00

Ok I have finally gotten the go-ahead from one person.
PLEASE.
Don't tell me there are more to go. Especially...

Staying up to do this thing is what I volunteered to do because I care. Hence, I'll never complain about it. I must keep my promises.

It's just that my eyes are watering from sheer fatigue and I can feel my gastric pains. Ok quit whining... There's still a lecture tomorrow morning at 8. WAH. I need to sleep... and do other things.

Time to make more calls and more arrangements.
Wish me luck. I like being occupied.

notes

2006-10-04T09:15:00.000+08:00

One of these days, I should really make it a point to read the instruction manual for Fireworks and Dreamweaver, from front to back and front again. Gah. Trial-and-error isn't exactly the best way to make full use of any programme!

Feather, resize, stretch... please be proportionate! I can't seem to be able to decide if things are proportionate anymore. It's like staring at the word "help" for too long and the word becomes nothing more than symbols to your mind. The human mind is intriguing in this way.

Note to self: Never read about the kebaya for 3 hours before you sleep. When you close your eyes, all you can see are the kebaya motifs and terminology. Haha. Just like when I went kebaya hunting the other day.

Random notes from my late night reading:

Not all Babas are Peranakan Chinese.
The Nonya kebaya has undergone evolution, from its earliest form as the baju panjang to the present day kebaya sulam. I like the sulam most for its intricate embroidery. If I didn't recall wrongly, the embroidery is done using the satin stitch. That gives the embroidery both texture and the gradient effect.
The lace on the kebaya renda is painstakingly hand-stitched! I wonder if the ones they sell today are still hand-stitched. I guess, that would explain why the kebaya is so expensive!
The colours on the kebaya are very important because different colours have different connotations and are suited for different age groups. Hmm... that explains another mystery.
Realistic portrayals of each motif e.g. flowers or even prawns (yes, prawns!) are not as important as the effect of colour contrast on the main fabric colour.

On a random note, a Chinese friend once commented to me that the Peranakan women are highly indecent because they wear "transparent" kebaya. Firstly, it's not exactly transparent. It is sheer or voile material that is translucent, rather than transparent. Haha, if it's transparent you can't even see the overcoat, right? On indecency, I guess it depends on how open-minded you are about such things. I don't consider it any more revealing than (mind block... erm) a camisole? Anyway, I tend to think the kebaya made of sheer material looks better on older ladies. But note, that's just my opinion. They used to wear really elaborate and/ or lacy camisoles under the kebaya. Nowadays, I think it's up to the individual as to what to wear.

I was also reading about the lives of the Peranakan womenfolk. I must say that their lives aren't enviable. In my humble opinion, NOT AT ALL! If I lived during the Golden Age, I would be considered a walking failure at life or something. Especially since the domestic arts aren't my thing and I certainly do not want to spend every living moment walking in a sarong. It takes immense patience and grace to walk in such a demure fashion all the time. Plus, considering how rough and clumsy I am, I might well be tripping all the time too. Whatever it is, I have to take my hat off to them for being so disciplined in carrying out their duties and activities, be it intricate beadwork and embroidery or keeping the household in check. Still, these are certainly not things I would like to be doing everyday!

As if you can't tell by now, I love to read and immerse in culture. I want to visit so many places in Singapore now.

Okay back to work.

Hope everyone's having fun!

random scribbles

2006-10-03T18:50:00.000+08:00

Since I can't find a word to describe how I feel right now, take this for a substitute: :>)

Happy, I guess. Maybe largely at peace too.

In point form:

To quote Andrea, I went for my "virgin class outing today". Haha okkkk :) I hope they have fun later on too. Had to leave to do other stuffs I promised other important people in my life, i.e. family.
I settled almost two things regarding programmes, meetings and immigration offices. Well done!
I shall conitnue reorganising everything else later. I like having things to keep mysef occupied. ((((:

Crap, I have received news that I have to pick up one of my greatest fears again. And no, it's not public speaking. Haha.

I thought my business with this activity would be over after Sec 2 Aesthetics classes (hey I passed okkk... and my biggest problem was the fact that I hecked about timing which happens to be one of the most important things for this activity! HAHA), Orientation item 05', batchitem/fianza05'... But apparently, Life doesn't agree with me. Haha oh well. I shall be open-minded. Lousy poot isn't coming with me. Really lousy poot. Too bad, she'll have to depend on me to learn. I don't understand how it would work out though. As in, technicalities-wise. Hmmm.

I'm so sure I'm going to lose my voice soon. But nevermind! I'm still :)

angst from a long time ago.

2006-10-03T09:28:00.000+08:00

Too much of a good thing is bad. In the case of angst, it's not even good to begin with.

I've been doing some thinking, i.e. rationalising about my bad case of mood swings. I think I first experienced angstiness when I was a kid in some playschool. Yeah, serious. Playschool. That would be like when I was 4 turning 5? I was never the kind who will cry when I am upset or uncomfortable with things. Crying just isn't my thing. It's too messy and too drama-mama. Haha. I still remember the day when I was super angry with things I saw in playschool. I think it was the first case of power play I ever witnessed. Funny how I could have such a strong sense of right and wrong (however skewed) at such a young age.

I remember feeling very intense. My form of expressing my displeasure was to sit at one corner of the playroom, in absolute silence, fiddling with those stack up thingums, watching the power play as the popular/ important people were listened to while the meeker ones were shunned aside and ostracised. I remember that very clearly. I remember her. The girl who was quiet and shy, sitting at a corner, somewhat tearful because the rest didn't have time for her. They only had time to play with the big shot kiddo, who was surrounded by guys and girls alike. The worse part is, I know that kiddo. I was really pissed. I didn't like that feeling though. It was too intense for a kid to handle. I tried to make myself less angry by trying to talk to her... but somehow, she didn't say much. Soon, her maid came to pick her up. I remember spending the rest of the day in that corner before I was sent home, probably sulking and not uttering a word.

I always remember that incident, that's why I don't have fond memories of my early childhood. I keep being reminded of it when I walk past that place. It's not haunting. It's just recurring feelings of angst. Childhood angst. Even now when I meet that kiddo, I can't help but remember the power play dynamics of playschool.

I should really learn to let go of angsty feelings.

SMILE EVERYONE!

2006-10-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

In the true spirit of a volatile person, I say SMILE EVERYONE! It's day one of marking holidays!

Today will be a better day.

i am peeved

2006-10-02T23:07:00.000+08:00

Ok warning: i'm in an angsty mood. Make that super angsty.

I am not in the need nor want of hugs.

I am in the need for some appreciation here?

I don't expect praises from you. Sure, you're stressed out, that's freaking why I'm helping you. In fact, it's precisely why I volunteered to help you. Why can't you get it? Why? I try to understand you but you almost never try to ever understand me. This is frustrating. I am doing the whole thing again for you. But no thank you, never mind, I'm used to that. But this!

You say destructive feedback is negative and you hate it. Hello? Then what's this! I won't give up because it's not in my nature to give up when it fails once, or twice. The least you could do is GIVE ME SOME DEGREE OF FREEDOM IN MY CREATIVE EXPRESSION. This sounds like the chi-squared test, oh dear.

/FREAKISH mood swings i have/i oscillate between happy, sad and angsty
It's not over till I say so.
So take that.

OK I'm done ranting.

Trust me, please!

2006-10-02T21:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, to all concerned parties (you know who you are):

Nobody panics!
Nobody worries!
I have the situation under control.
In a few hours, I'll present to you an entire range of options.

Please, trust me! I am not completely devoid of artistic abilties. (Though my blog layout is not a good gauge lah, haha.)

I promise you I'll give you my 110%.
Let the phoenix take flight.

rebel streak

2006-10-02T16:36:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking...

it's more tiring to rebel than to conform.

but you know what, let's bend some rules ;)

revisiting memories

2006-10-02T15:25:00.000+08:00

Do not comment on this bright shade of off-blue-and-seemingly-green (I couldn't decide on how to describe it; note the problem with translating sensory experience into words, tsk!). Whatever it is, I happen to like it. Haha. I was inspired, deeply inspired by this really intricately designed kebaya I saw a few weeks ago. The colour never left my mind since.

Change of layout aside, I feel so relieved of stress now! Whoo. Somehow the only thing I want to do is sleep and watch TV. I realised that the total amount of TV I watched this year is less than half the amount I watched in Sec 1. (Haha I won't bother considering Sec 2, 3 and 4 because I was hardly at home then.) Another random fact: I spend a disproportionate time thinking in front of the computer, rather than actually typing on the keyboard. I resolve to write more, type less. Haha and hopefully it will make a difference to my deteriorating vision.

I realise that I'm being incoherent again, yay!

Recently, on a trip out of the house, I noticed a problem with myself. For some reason, I always invite little children to either:
1) want to fight with me/ have glaring matches;
2) want to come close to me or
3) ignore me.

I think option 3 is the best thing to happen. I mean, why should I care about you, kiddo, and why should you care about me?

But options 1 and 2 are freaky. Like seriously. On quite a few occasions, like when I visit supermarkets, little kiddos start having glaring matches... with me. Btw this is not a figment of my imagination (although I tend to think I have a lack of this) because people accompanying me also notice this... sigh. And the thing is, I'm not even doing anything to provoke them KIDDOS.

As for no. 2, I was once going up an escalator and on the escalator going in the opposite direction, there was a mother and her baby. As I ascended, the baby was trying to reach out to me... -_-' Her mother was very amused, saying the usual "say hello to jie jie..." As you can tell by now, I don't adore kids... haha so I was naturally rather disturbed than amused. There was another day when I was at a buffet. I remember I was wearing a dress and there was this little toddler who kept following me from the buffet table to the dining table. When I sat down, she started tugging at my dress and smiling at me so sweetly that everyone seated at my table was amused. Of course, again, I was freaked out. Haha.

Kids are weird.

Hiatus

2006-07-25T18:45:00.000+08:00

A shrivelled up flower
Its petals have shed their last shade of vibrance
And its leaves have dried up and curled.
This blogger has misplaced her words
And until they are recovered again
This spells H I A T U S.

...

2006-07-09T16:41:00.000+08:00

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

*click*

And I'll just have to wait.

Patience has always been something I never quite agreed with. So I guess, I'll have to learn, like now.

untitled

2006-07-03T10:45:00.000+08:00

=)

Today, I am proud of myself. Well done!

I was talking to another cab driver today. She's a very homely Auntie. She asked me what on Earth I was doing in school uniform on Youth Day; she thought I was nuts to be going to school on Youth Day. (Is it really that bad? I was conducting an interview, see.) I found out about what's with Friday ending earlier than usual through her (okay my cousin told me yesterday too but that doesn't count). I am lagging behind in current affairs, to the point where even cab drivers know more than I do. This reminds me of the time when B found out about some juicy news through the J8 MacDonald's auntie. See what one week of CTs can do to you?!

I liked this cab conversation. Before I got off, she reminded me that to be Singaporean, you have got to be positive about things, especially because we are always so stressed out and thus can fall sick more easily. Lol. But it's true.

And again, I was asked the question (thankfully not by the cab driver though, it was the people I interviewed), "What is your amibition?"

Is this a sign? *shudders*

This time, I became slightly smarter and said something tangible. After all, I learnt my lesson from yesterday: Better say something than be told what to do, right?

Meanwhile I am convinced that the most happening in my life right now is none other than my e-mail inbox. How exciting. -_-

Another random footnote: JIAYOU MY SISTER! (yet another phantom fan of my blog. HA.

How Asian are you?

2006-07-03T00:14:00.000+08:00

Courtesy of Azi, "How Asian Are You?"

[x] You take your shoes off before entering the house
[x] You eat rice often. (yeah, like every lunch and/ or dinner.)
[x] You use chopsticks.
[x] You can speak an Asian language. (bad at Mandarin though.)
[x] Your parents want good grades from you.
[x] Your parents insist you don't date until college. (it's called a mutual understanding between daughter and parents; not insistence on their part.)
[x] Your parents want you to go to Berkeley or some other good university like that. Stanford or Harvard, even better. (Just a decent place la)
[x] Your parents believe in Feng Shui.
[ ] You listen to those horoscopes/zodiac signs.
[x] Your parents love to gossip with the other parents about you.
[ ] You have relatives other than your immediate family living with you.
[x]Most or all of your friends are Asian.
[x] You don't even know 10 people who aren't Asian.
[x]Your ancestors came from Asia. (YEAH! Many parts of Asia.)
[x] You are obsessed with the computer and can't get enough.
[ ] You know how to put a computer together.
[x] You listen to Asian music.
[x] You can actually understand the lyrics.
[x] You have to keep things from your parents, even if they're not bad, because you know they'd THINK it's bad.
[x] Your relatives love to bring you clothes that are bright in color with cute cartoons on them. If you're lucky, it might even have English words on them that don't make sense. (Tell me about it. I have those with spelling errors and nonsensical pairing of words!)
[x] You love your ethnic food. (DUH. For one, I love nyonya kuehs.)
[x] You have taken/still take piano and/or violin. (I am hopeless at music though.)
[ ] Classical music is the best music ever, next to asian music.
[x] You are good at Math. (If you don't count CTs which I don't know my marks for yet.)

Multiply by 4
Put the product as __ Asian

Assuming my math doesn't suck, I am 80% ASIAN and proud of it.

yet another vague post

2006-07-03T00:01:00.000+08:00

To forgive and forget is to grow within oneself.

I seek courage from within in confronting my inner demons because I don't want to live to regret. Simply because regret is a waste of time.

I like being vague. (:

This Cab Driver...

2006-07-02T11:39:00.000+08:00

I have never been more amused by a conversation with a cab driver, especially so for one in halting Mandarin on my part. The cab driver asked me how old I was and what my ambition was. I told him honestly that I had no clear ambition, possibly just a whole list of random occupations but not one which I could identify myself with.

His reaction was startling (?). First, he tells me that I am too indecisive (haha how true. I accept graciously), then he starts listing out what the conventional job options: Doctor, lawyer, banker etc. I told him that I am not confident of reaching such great heights and possibly lack the courage to do so. He then says, "I'll decide for you then. Go study accounting. When you reach home, go read up about accounting. I think a desk-bound job will suit you." He sounds as if he thinks he is a fortune teller as well as a cab driver.

Hmmm. Is this a coincidence?

I don't mind whether the conversation was strange. It did tell me one thing: I better find a direction soon.

why i shouldn't be a secretary

2006-07-02T03:22:00.000+08:00

I spent 4 hours typing minutes. This is a HIGHLY inefficient working rate. Shame on me!

I must be thinking too much.

random words

2006-07-01T23:06:00.000+08:00

Ideas hit you when you least expect it. What ensues thereafter will depend on how you react and how fast you respond.

That aside, everyone go read Ronaldo's memorable line on the comics page of Life! today. I respect him as a footballer but his logic scares me.

Serious.

A Friday not to be forgotten

2006-06-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

The CTs are over.

Honestly, it doesn't feel very different. I'm still the same tensed self before the test, may be just minus the last minute cramming. But then what's done is done so it's time to move on.

Something happened this morning. It wasn't out of this world but it certainly did jolt me awake from my complacency about life.

It was 7.07am and for some reason I wanted to go to the area outside the library. Being lazy I took the lift. A teacher (the only other person who took the lift) got off at level 3 and the lift went on to level 4. That's where the problem came in. The lift sounded its usual 'ding-dong' to announce its arrival on the fourth floor but the doors wouldn't open for more than a 3 cm gap. Under such circumstances, there are generally a few typical reactions:

(1) Panic! Scream! Cry! The walls are caving in on me. Darkness is swallowing me into non-existence.
(2) Press the bell button and wait patiently.
(3) Press all the buttons on the panel one by one and hope it works out to something.
(4) Press the '4' button furiously.

I chose option 3 but it yielded no result.

The thought that came to mind was: How can this happen to me on the day of my Bio CT!? I must get out to DO my Bio CT. (For this, I am glad I was alive and well, doing the Bio paper. Never mind the end result. The fact was, I did the paper. I survived the lift!)

Next random thought: My class KM would be happy to be in this situation, given her love for the thrill of being stuck in a lift.

So well anyway, I pressed '3' and the lift miraculously moves downwards and I alight, half-relieved and in great disbelief. I didn't abandon my plan to go up to level 4 so I climbed the stairs. And then I saw a sign stuck on the lift door on level 4: Lift Out of Order.

Now, there is a problem here.

People actually knew about the lift being out of order but nothing was done to prevent people from taking the lift to level 4 (where the door had some problems). Right.

Well, whatever it is, some good has come out of it. I know it sounds melodramatic and all but it kind of jolted me into realisation that if I were to take things like the lift working, for instance, there will come a time when I will be caught unprepared for it to not work. So I did some thinking. Today's workshop on Servant Leadership helped too, I guess.

I think that right now, my greatest fear would be to leave this world as a malignant character; always taking and never giving enough to those who invested so much in me and to those who I struggle to understand each day. I thought about this on the way home. Maybe it's not worth being angry or upset with someone. I mean, you wouldn't want to die with an argument unsettled or an issue unresolved, right?

And all talk and no work is, by my standards, as good as not saying anything. Thus, I'm going to work towards being less malignant and lower my expectations drastically. And I'm not kidding.

P.S. M, you have no idea how grateful I was to see you this morning. The first human being I could talk to and let out my speechlessness. THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE.

the weekend is coming!

2006-06-29T08:53:00.000+08:00

It's Thursday.

I shouldn't be here but I'm backing up my G.C. so that's a legitimate reason.

I can't wait for these 2 days to be over. The weekend looks set to be the most productive weekend this year. And I'm looking forward, in a good way. (:

I'll try to be positive about the beads&batik.

choices are these

2006-06-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life, we cannot choose.

True.

But sometimes, when left with no choice and we're not keen to take either option available, we'll just have to create our own paths.

You should have realised that I don't and will never walk the same path as you. But when will you ever understand?

It never got more painful.

Youthreadeach b e a d throughme,wearingmethin, b e a d by b e a d. Attheendofitall,it'sjustafacade.Whenwillyouawakenfromthis?

P for Painkiller

2006-06-19T13:51:00.000+08:00

If you're cynical about the subject starting with letter P (no, not the one ~~concerned~~ obsessed with precision, this is the one which can be considered a Pain), I'd offer some timely advice. Read Dilbert.

Go on, click it. Don't be shy. It'd make you feel that dysfunctional workplaces are the norm. So bascially, you're normal to feel withdrawn, irritated wth your fellow co-workers or simply take on a lasse faire attitude towards P. I.e. It's a-okay to irritate the guts out of your fellow co-workers.

RIGHT.

So anyway, P for Painkiller: Read Dilbert.

And my favourite character is Dogbert!

prove

2006-06-16T18:57:00.000+08:00

Since you can't prove me wrong, I'm just going to have to prove you wrong. I'll work hard. And I'm going to show you that if you can't get it right once, you keep trying. You don't just talk about lofty dreams and stop at talking. You work to make it a piece if reality.

And you take things seriously.

Life is too short to be a joke.

I'm going to show you what I mean.
It's a deal, with myself.

Had a bad day...

2006-06-15T17:59:00.000+08:00

I always found it queer how the song of the same title sounds so cheerful and has this instant uplifting effect. But I guess that what's the song is about so... makes sense.

I'm not really having a bad day.

In my opinion, it's just a day frought with minor misfortunes and high expectations that fall short of what happens in reality. Thankfully, I didn't injure myself too badly and my family is relatively safe and happy. Check that, I'm blessed.

Let me review my day:

Been having disturbed sleep as a result of a very bad stomach.
Not to mention, having obediently set my alarm clock at 6 am just so I could get to school on time for my meeting, only to realise that my watch is too fast. I should really learn to slow it down by 15 minutes.
Red is for Really Repulsive. Bad colour.
I also have ulcers in my mouth.
A sore throat acting up after my visit to the dentist.
My teeth aren't in their best kept state, no thanks to late nights and my lazy self being unwilling to brush religiously. My dentist gave me some treatment so I can't eat anything for a while.

I sound like a walking mess, don't I? But I'm not having a bad day. It's mostly my own fault.

Plus, I've got one good email and a few smses from real friends. And that's enough to reverse every frown I wore today. :)

On efforts

2006-06-14T21:15:00.000+08:00

Good effort is never wasted effort.

For once, let's be ambitious and forget the pebbles we met along our way. We're going to climb boulders!

Let the meeting be Purposeful. Group synergy can be Powerful.
Prove it to me, Please.

work=fun?

2006-06-14T17:34:00.000+08:00

I don't know about you but sometimes I find it hard to see if there will ever be an end to work, or if we ever attain a final goal. The classic response to this is to treat each piece of work as a fun-filled activity and you'll never have to work again. Brilliant response?

Sure, it sounds like the best answer to this question.

But I disagree. I don't think it's possible to really enjoy every single thing you do. There are fears you need to conquer, a call you are obliged to make to a stranger, homework you must confront, dental appointments looming ahead... ... Try as you might, not everything can be fun-filled or at least enriching-enjoyable. I guess, at the most, you can look back and laugh at your own insecurities and silly fussing over nothing. And that does count as fun too, just that it's paid-beforehand kind of fun/enjoyment?

So in conclusion, I shall end my otherwise hanging post with a very abrupt ending: Like it or not, life isn't filled with things you always enjoy. But you will eventually get about to doing it eventually because... you must.

Now it's time for me to make that dreadful call. Enough with the pacing around the room.

inspired

2006-06-12T11:06:00.000+08:00

There will be days when you get inspired easily.

Really.

Falling on my face

2006-06-09T12:05:00.000+08:00

You walk on flat ground for too long, thinking that you will never fall. And then, complacency overwhelms you at some point and you start to think that this journey is a mindless one. You begin to skip as you walk and before you know it, you tripped on an unexpected pebble and whoa-la, fall flat on your face. While you're at it, make the ground muddy. That's exactly how I feel right now.

I have just been reminded by myself that life isn't a mindless monotony and there are no causal links between the past and the future. Petitio principii, remember?

Meanwhile, the standard of my already-not-so-existent Mandarin has continued to be on the decline; it is vanishing into thin air soon. Yesterday, I witnessed for myself the limited vocabulary I had at hand while conversing with Mr C. I am appalled and ashamed. The only consolation was that I could still write most words. Just don't ask me if I had acceptable sentence structure!

q

2006-06-07T18:00:00.000+08:00

The following entry was written while I stuffed myself silly eating cranberries and 3 varieties of raisins. I blame depression for this very weird combination, especially since I wasn't even attempting (or near attempting, for the record) to diet. I need to find better food or less things to trigger off such a melancholy mood.

In line with the timely and much-needed change of layout, I had some fun googling 'colour'. Some interesting results include:

COLOURlovers (A site where real colour-loving people come together to discuss and view cool colours and palettes!)
Virtual Colour Musuem (Seriously, a musuem.)

Amazing what the world holds. I never realised that people loved colour so much.

testmylimits

2006-06-05T20:38:00.000+08:00

Who is to decide whether one has the right to feel tired, stressed out or withdrawn?

I'm convinced that it's the Self. Just like how you always tell me.

And for once, I'm telling you that that's exactly how I feel right now.

You worthless, unappreciative, calculative piece of nothing.

I am so... pissed.

In need for cheering up

2006-06-04T13:38:00.000+08:00

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them!
You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you
You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil
How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

I can explain why I did this quiz: I needed to cheer myself up. I relate to the last point most. I do happen to think that pigeons are quite interesting! And no, I'm not smart, even though I wish I were. (: By the way, logic rules over the emotions anytime. As for neat freak, I just cleaned up my table yesterday, does that count?

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.People crave your praise and complements.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

Hmmmm. I wonder.

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

I always take quizzes with mountainful pinches of salt.

DINORAWR

2006-05-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

If I could describe how I'm feeling now, I'll say that this picture alone can speak a thousand words.

Yes I'm not feeling very friendly now. Just don't say the following words 'relax', 'don't stress' and I promise I won't flare up. I won't bite either la.

Don't ask me if I'm ok because I know I will be eventually but just not now.

Everyone has their rough days but mine just happen to come during the holidays. (Now you know why I dread the holidays.)

In other news, you can go catch the Dinosaurs! A T. rex named Sue and Friends exhibition at the Singapore Science Centre, Annexe Building, from 20 May to 20 August 2006. For more information, go to www.science.edu.sg/dinosaurs.

Yup, that photo was taken at the exhibition. That's Sue, by the way.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

2006-05-29T21:59:00.000+08:00

I am speechless.
I will see Dr Tan and quit abusing thyself.
I will stop being annoyed.
I will not talk.
I will avoid being pissed.
I will be at peace.

I feel like cutting off my hair. Like now. (:
Why must everything crash down at the same time?!

I HATE HOLIDAYS.

The Beginning of the Holidays

2006-05-27T10:05:00.000+08:00

It is the morning of the first day of the holidays. (Insert "woohoo!" and confetti)

I feel like making a "To do" list but I dread coming to the horrid realisation at the end of the holidays that I have failed to accomplish even near half of the list. (But knowing myself, practicality will eventually still override fear and I shall be brave and pen down the long list.)

First for the urgent stuff:
~~(1) 1000 cranes synopsis~~
(2) Organise my class extra Bio lesson (working on collating the results). Rest assured my classmates, I will make sure you will get your lesson as requested for.
(3) Write to Fianza and get the ball rolling for outing organisation.
(4) Answer all my misc emails!
(5) Plan PW discussion. We must be postive, with a capital 'P'. We will survive.
(6) Do my homework.

I want to visit an art gallery, watch a movie and have a day or two at Botanic Gardens.

I never get tired of visiting BG. It has such a peaceful environment. I find it very therapeutic to watch people walking their dogs. I remember I once met an old man and his pet toy dog (can't recall which breed). The dog got tired after walking for a while and made a quick sprint for the nearest bench and refused to budge unless the old man carried him and put him on the bench. His exasperated owner did just that and boy, you should have seen the smug look plastered all over the pooch's face.

When I was younger, I encountered a red-eared terrapin which had crawled out of the pond and was digging a hole in a nearby flowerbed. My mom and I realised then that this terrapin was laying eggs!

This would probably be mundane happenings to most people but it is far from it for me.

I look forward to a "well-rested" holiday.

the night before!

2006-05-25T23:26:00.000+08:00

It's the night before the last day of Term 2. Theoretically, I should be sleeping soundly because even if I didn't do some piece of work, the world wouldn't end. (Of course, I'm making the assumption that the future always resembles the past. Under normal circumstances, this applies for every other day during term but it seems more tempting to be lazy only when term draws to a close. I don't know, maybe it's the holiday mood which I seem to have displaced with a somewhat less-merry-mood.)

But to do so, I would have to ignore irksome integration tutorial questions, elude myself into thinking I don't need to email teachers to sort out problems regarding work, extra classes and much overdue (but trivial!) write-ups. That is difficult for I think it's more tedious to convince myself to not do the work than to sleep (albeit unsoundly because worry will cloud my sleep).

At this moment, nothing is more troubling to me than clashing schedules. On both personal and work fronts, everyone's schedules are Completely Conflicting and I see little hope in ever setting up a day when people can meet up.

I now see the truth in the statement, "Work expands to fill the time available."

We have too much time in the holidays for work and thoroughly insufficient time to relax. I guess, it's time we convert work into play! (Ha ha dream on, Idiot.)

I am nonsensical.

feverish

2006-05-21T14:09:00.000+08:00

I have a severe case of sore throat. I sound as if I have swallowed a bullfrog and it is stuck in my throat, unwilling to budge. Presently, my throat feels as miserable as my mind as I am caught in battle with the Annoying Skeptic.

Dear Skeptic, why must you insist on making life difficult? (Don’t mind me, I’m just being lazy.)

For the fun of it, I shall attempt to lead a life of extreme skepticism. Yes, I’m just a brain-in-the-vat. Some questions I have for the Mad Scientist:

Are the mental blocks I often have the result of power supply shortages?
Or is it because you forget to change the vat broth every now and then?
Am I dumber than my friend-next-door because I get less electrical impulses?
How come you’re not stopping me from asking about the existence of this oh-so-powerful computer I’m supposedly powered by?
What Pentium processor are you using?
If we don’t actually have bodies per se, are we each
responsible for how we perceive our own bodies? This doesn’t make much sense,
unless how we think we look like affects what everyone else around us think we look like. Then again, if you subscribe to the theory of relativity, our descriptions whether of ourselves, objects whatever are all subject to whatever we have encountered before. So if I think I look fat because I am the fattest person I have ever met (hi self!), then everyone else around me would
think so too. No, that can’t be. Everyone has a different set of experiences. Maybe that explains why when you ask your friend if you are fat, she always says you aren’t. But what if I am the fattest person she has met? (I know, she lied. Duh.) Relativity, huh?
Does that mean you decide how I look?
…

This could lead to an infinite string of questions and I believe that this would substantial proof that I am mostly an irrational person. Haw haw.

I shall console myself that my lack of studying will be made up by whatever innate ideas I hold in my mind. I just need to start rediscovering them…

(why am I not convinced?)

Fianza

2006-05-21T01:08:00.000+08:00

This is one of those days when you feel like you have too much to say.

I just wanted to add that I miss Fianza and I have a strong feeling that batch outing is unlikely to take place due to our clashing schedules. I know because I have been tabulating the dates. Yes all you busy people, don't forget to take care of yourselves!

That being said, let me know if you still want to try for the impossible. (You guys have shown me before that the impossible can be made possible, but don't do it at the expense of much-needed rest. This outing is STRICTLY a-let-your-hair-down-session and no one is allowed to panic or get stressed out over it except the seasoned me. Hah.)

Just wanted to say, thanks for being the batch that was unconventional in doing many things. I haven't forgotten our record-timing short and sweet GMs, our beautiful last-minute saves to banners and functions, the sheer passion and professionalism that carried us through it all and our frank batch talks. And how could I forget, Speech Day 2004. You proved me wrong so many times. Oh and how could I forget how we have successfully convinced everyone that ~~most~~some of us are severely lacking in psycho-motor skills (think batch dance 05').
Ting quoted me at our Formal Farewell last year. I can't remember the exact words I said but it goes something like this, "Don't trust your instincts. Trust your batch." I now recalled why I said that. It was SD 2004 when it dawned on me that as much as we all want everything to run well, it wasn't what we each wanted but what we could trust our team to do. It never was easy thinking like a team but you made it easier along the way.

You know what I like best about our batch? We weren't the perfect batch. Yup. I loved our imperfection for all it was worth. We were made up of diverse and sometimes conflicting personalities but that didn't stop us from getting the work done when we needed to. We showed them every time they tried to take us down. For every mess-up we graciously acknowledged, we showed them another strength. We probably aren't the most united batch and neither did we work very hard at concealing that fact. In that sense, we won't make the best spokespeople for concealers. But in being honest (sometimes painfully so) with each other, I thought that made our friendships real. The world isn't all rosy and happy all the time.

So thank you. Even though I don't know each and everyone inside out and, neither do I always see eye-to-eye with all of you, at least I know I have a common ground with you. And it happens to be real, solid ground. Thank you for the memories.

Oh well. I don't want to dwell in the past. We live in the present and must make full use of it.

Here's hoping that there's something we can all look forward to in June.

Anyone for good ol' Orchard?

myfavouritesubject

2006-05-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

I suddenly feel apologetic for not being able to write a decent blog entry. Actually I don't think I owe anyone an apology (may be except myself, the only reader) but somehow it feels right. So accept it, yeah?

Don't worry, I already know I'm wierd.

I've got my first CT next week but reality hasn't pried open my thick skull and shouted, "HOI! It's for real!" yet. Time for a reality check.

On a sidenote, I wonder what would happen if someone scribbled the following on her script: Sorry Sir/Mdm. I happen to be a philosophical skeptic. I do not know anything. Really.

Okay, if you've studied your textbook till the book looks as if it has been through the razor-sharp incisors of your pet pitbull, you should know how to topple this skeptic's argument. But if you haven't, like me, shame on you.

(Yes I know, my strengths happen to lie in scolding myself and then not doing anything constructive about it.)

As I attempted to leaf through my beloved textbook (oh what a tedious affair), I was distracted by some rather irrelevant thoughts. After reading the following, you will be firmly convinced that when one is confused by her textbook, imagination takes over from there and even the words seem funny. Trust me on this one.

My not-so-random episode of escapsism:
What would it have been like to be a random passer-by in a busy Greek market? What intelligent, or rather, appallingly stupid answer would I have given to the great Socrates if I were stopped by him as I hurried from the pottery stall to the vegetable stall? I can imagine myself trying to do a 'white rabbit' from Alice in Wonderland, i.e. turning to my wristwatch (hmm they didn't have watches back then but never mind that...) and muttering to myself, "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!" Hah, evading the issue... that's what I'm good for.

My friends claim that when I walk, I have a tendency to look in a strictly forward direction and thus almost always neglect their presence. I disagree with them; my wave/ smile of acknowledgement must have been too brief. I can't possibly be that rude or ignorant towards my surroundings. But if this were to be true, Socrates unlike my friends, would probably have persisted in making his presence felt. I mean, he wouldn't have been called "the gadfly" for nothing, right?

So say he asks, "How do you know that you are wearing a wristwatch?"

I shall be the ever-impatient self and snap back, "Because I know. It's here, can't you see it?"(raising up my hand to his nose)

At this point, if you don't study my favourite subject, you will dismiss everything I write henceforth as an utter load of crap based on nothing. Well then, if it makes you happy, maybe you're right. But consider this: Have you ever thought about why you know something? Like why do you trust your senses to tell you about the world around you? Very common sensical questions, aye? Because you can't live your life without even trusting your senses. It's simply impractical to doubt the obvious.

That sounds just like what everyone likes to say about my favourite subject. Well, almost everyone who doesn't take it.

It's airy-fairy, it's pointless and highly impractical. It doesn't help
you get a rice bowl. How can one live your life if you keep asking the
question, "Do I exist?" You won't learn anything useful from it. All
the subject is about is wishy-washiness and rubbish.

(I suspect that my taking this subject has been the last straw for my aunt. She must be strongly convinced that her niece is weird, in every sense of the word.)

Those are common sentiments. No I'm not planning to launch a counter-attack or anything. I am certainly not going to get emotional over this either. Say what you like but I still like this subject. You think you know better so I shall let you stay your way.

I maintain that asking questions are harder than answering them. Asking a good question means that sometimes you won't get an answer. You reach a dead end but it's not the end of the world. It's food for thought which I treasure.

My favourite subject reminds me that at the end of the day, even if I pored through every single book in the universe, I am unlikely to be able to solve every mystery. My favourite subject humbles me. Just because we think we know, it doesn't mean we necessarily do. Most importantly, I want to tell myself that no matter what mark I get for my favourite subject, I must never give up, for if I do, I give up on too many things.

I don't wish to be a miniscule insect mindlessly crawling into the dark and ominous depths of the rabbit's hair. I want to stand at the edge of the hair and view the world with wonderment. Even if I have to be called a weirdo/ radical, so let me be.

Judge me for what I do, not who I am.

I shall be back to do my work.

2006-05-11T22:42:00.000+08:00

Melissa, you are Right-brained.

Most right-brained people like you are flexible in many realms of their lives. Whether picking up on the nuances of musical concerto, appreciating the subtle details in a work of art, or seeing the world from a different perspective, right-brained people are creative, imaginative, and attuned to their surroundings. People probably see your thinking process as boundless, and that might translate to your physical surroundings as well. Some people think of you as messier than others. It's not that you're disorganized, it's just that you might use different systems to organize (by theme, by subject, by color). Straight alphabetization and rigidly ordered folders are not typical of right-brained behavior. You are also more intuitive than many. When it comes to reading literature, you probably prefer creative writing or fiction over nonfiction. And when it comes to doing math, you might find you enjoy geometry more than other forms like algebra.

Taken from The Brain Test, web.tickle.com

Maybe I should tell Mom. Lol. And no, I happen to like algebra.

cynicism kicks in

2006-05-05T00:00:00.000+08:00

You know, it's hard to be immuned from cynicism, especially when you have to sit up and plod on to do something that you don't quite believe in nor see the value in. At times like these, I wonder aloud to myself if I'm a born cynic.

Maybe I should think less and do more. I.e. shut up to myself.

I can feel my eyelids drooping and my brain is processing things around me at the rate of 2 words per 20 seconds. I need a stimulant. Where is caffeine when you need it most?

I just realised that tomorrow is a long day, a very long day. Oh bummer.

"Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens."

ARGH

2006-05-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

Allow me to describe my current state:
A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression.

Yup, you've guessed it right. My favourite state of mind. Hint: Check www.answers.com

Let's hope I have not crossed paths with mycoplasma. I could do with one less surprise. Yay.

GRR

2006-05-01T17:33:00.000+08:00

nerve-wrecking.
disturbing.
unenthusiastic.
uninterested.

elated.
glad.
encouraged.
appreciated.

And no, I don't have split personalities; just internal conflicts.

Worldview

2006-04-28T21:22:00.000+08:00

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

Postmodernist

75%

Cultural Creative

69%

Existentialist

63%

Idealist

63%

Modernist

56%

Romanticist

50%

Materialist

44%

Fundamentalist

31%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

Rise and Fall

2006-04-27T19:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,
Superstar you finally made it,
But once your picture becomes tainted,
It's what they call,
The rise and fall (x2)

--Craig David's "Rise and Fall"
One of my all time favourites.

Random thought: Kind of reminds me of a sine graph (:

Argh. Chem SPA!

2006-04-25T19:32:00.000+08:00

"Quit Quitting."

You know, the more I think about those 2 words, the more I think it actually makes sense. The week so far has been ~~disappointing~~ humbling but with those two words in mind and some faith, I think otherwise.

Kent Ridge Park

2006-04-23T17:56:00.000+08:00

This photograph was taken at Kent Ridge Park during one of the family excursions. Peaceful, isn't it? Worth a visit for its historical significance to our sunny island. I shall elaborate more about it the next time.

miracles take a little longer.

2006-04-22T18:02:00.000+08:00

Miracles just take a little longer.

So going against the doc I will.
May Lady Luck be with me.

Random things.

2006-04-14T12:52:00.000+08:00

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

TheMuppet Personality Test

Note: These days, I'm selectively extroverted heh.

Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical

You blog like no one else is reading...You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose.Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily.But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:
You have high extroversion.You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"
Conscientiousness:
You have high conscientiousness.Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.Most things in your life are organized and planned well.But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have high neuroticism.It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

This one is subjective to my mood swings but otherwise highly accurate. I can be a really noisy extrovert when I want to. (=

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:
You value loyalty a fair amount.You're loyal to your friends... to a point.But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.
Honesty:
You value honesty highly.You're unflinchingly honest, even when it's not easy.For you, integrity is very important - in yourself and others.People may not always like what you say, but they know they can trust it.
Generosity:
You value generosity a fair amount.You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!
Humility:
You value humility highly.You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.
Tolerance:
You value tolerance highly.Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

Ribena

2006-04-10T16:12:00.000+08:00

I'd like to think I hail from the Ribena Glass Bottle Age.

You know, just like how your parents would tell you, "When I was young, I used to carry a coca cola glass bottle to school..." While I don't recall children of our generation carrying Ribena glass bottles to school (thank goodness for the spread of their cheaper, more convenient and lightweight plastic counterparts), I am pretty sure that we could identify with Ribena as that towering heavy glass (to be read as: fragile! handle with care or else...) bottle of dark purple liquid that tasted sweet when mixed with just the right amount of water. To me, making a glass of Ribena could and still can be considered as an art of mixing the right proportions. Too much and it'll be almost tasteless; too little and it could be sour.

The other day, I found a bottle of Ribena on the kitchen tabletop. Instinctively, I reached for it with both hands, preparing to lift it off with immense strength (the lack of strong arm muscles are to be blamed), only to find to my horror, that the bottle *gasp* was no longer glass! I felt cheated. Yes, cheated by the plastic Ribena bottle. I mean, from afar, it did look like a glass bottle! (Why plastic!? Isn't glass more environmentally-friendly?)

I'm wondering now if any child will be carrying that 1 litre plastic Ribena bottle to school as his/her water bottle. It'd be quite a sight, especially if his/her teacher thinks that Ribena still sells its juice cordials in glass bottles.

Well, so much for childhood memories. We are growing older faster than we think! I bet, by the time I become an aunt, I'll be telling my nieces/nephews, "When i was your age, I used to drink from plastic bottles!"

Whoa. That just means I'll be archaic by the time I approach three decades of age.

Once again

2006-04-09T17:14:00.000+08:00

It's like reliving those days of collecting thick piles of information again. Every time I have to do something of this scale, I never fail to kick myself for being a a major culprit of deforestation. If you've seen my Math tutorials, you would nod your head in agreement and proceed to punish me. I think I need someone to teach me how to maximise every atom-worth of space on that piece of foolscap. I am ashamed of myself.

By the way, if you've read the Sunday Times column about the (excessive?) usage of profanities in normal-day language, you would best be able to relate to me right now. I managed to avoid uttering any of such words yesterday! (Phew.) And am going to continue doing so from now on.

P.S. Wrt to yesterday, it went on well without glitches. Mission accomplished successfully though I did feel I made some minor mistakes in terms of the accuracy of information I conveyed to the visitors. Goes to show that I have much to learn and more to work harder on. Whatever it is, I'm glad to be able to do so. Wearing a tie again after 6 months does feel funny again. Oh well.

And then, all of a sudden...

2006-04-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

No, I'm not stressed out (okay, maybe just a little bit). I am learning to take things in my stride, in slow and steady manner, or at least this is what I think I am doing. (Perhaps, I am in a self-deluding phase, but never mind about that. There is no need to be a sceptic.)

It almost seems as if so many things are taking place in such a short span of time. Just when I thought I might be able to handle it better this time, one more huge project lands on my lap. And I can't say 'no' to this one! Sheesh. I wish someone, really anyone, would tell me, in what way am I entertaining? (I can't sing, dance nor act!)

I have less than six months to get myself into socially acceptable form. I don't want to... but I have to. (Note to self: quit whining, it might help.)

That aside, I'm a happy child. (:

P.S. jiayou to the council elects!

[:

2006-04-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last did something like that.
But nothing is going to get me down.

At least not this time, for I know, confidence is the key.

p.s. this layout is my pledge to simplicity!

The courage to fall

2006-04-05T19:45:00.000+08:00

Not long ago, she was afraid to speak up. She thought that clamming up and fading away into the monotony of life was the way to go. She embraced the fact that she could be free again. Or so she thought.

Soon, she realised that the self is her greatest enemy and to triumph over one's inner demons makes one her own heroine. Perhaps it took her a while to realise that, but as the age-old adage goes, "better late than never".

All this while, she was too afraid to fall. Yes, she was blinded by her own fear, so frightful that she was afraid to crawl, let alone run alongside those who skipped along gleefully.

Then she recalled those words of wisdom of Alfred, the butler in Batman Begins (2005).

"Why do we fall, Master Wayne? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Maybe we have gotten so used to the idea that we hardly ever fall so when you actually do fall down, utmost embarrassment threatens to overwhelm you, perhaps even drowning your otherwise rational self for those moments.

So perhaps its because one thinks that she is the centre of the universe. Egocentric as it is, I am afraid so. One's inhibition may hint that she is afraid of being laughed at, being the centre of ridicule and unwanted attention. In this way, I find babies (humans and animals alike) to be interesting beings. They don't know that their very instinct of not giving up learning how to walk on two legs is a treasured quality called determination and that she possesses that courage to fall and pick herself up again.

Pity how the older we grow, the more we tend to neglect those qualities that we once possessed and for that, it actually takes one so young to wake us up again.

P.S. I found me again. Strange how it took so long.

THANK YOU (you know who you are) for believing in me and not giving up in me each time I fell. The day has been a weary one but it has taught me several things.

I am a blessed child (regardless of how bad my mock SPA was, HAHA right).

To you who was so patient with the very flustered and panicky me, thank you.
To you who never gave in to my obstinence, thank you (yes you can kick me now (: lol).
To you who never acknowledges my presence when I wave at you and yet you remembered that you folded stars with me that afternoon and was so sweet to note that to them, thank you.
And to you who never gives up telling me to "relax and be yourself". I wouldn't suggest that you count the number of times for it might just total up to infinity.

And no, I'm not troubled. Not at all.
Thanks for standing by and edging me on.

4.04

2006-04-04T23:44:00.000+08:00

for all

the excessive noise,

ego bursts,

ribena spillages,

fruity cake,

milo pudding,

and how could i forget,

U who makes me smile.

404ever

One question

2006-04-02T10:03:00.000+08:00

In all randomness, I want to ask you a question.

What makes you like something and dislike another?

In other news, 4th April is fast approaching. Imissugals. Breakfast on tuesday morning, the day after bioTest. I am looking forward (haha trying to ignore the Test on monday morning.)

2006-03-27T20:34:00.000+08:00

Procrastination is the bane of my miniscule and insignificant life on Earth.

(I don't see how that links up but never mind, I have convenient excuses to lay blame upon for this lack of coherence.)

#1 MY ENGLISH STANDARDS ARE DETERIORATING (at the speed of sound)!
This is a cue for me to start hyperventilating, although inertia has gotten the better of me and I prefer to wallow in the self-pity. How shameful. Tsk.

Let me cite a few examples:
- Just this afternoon, instead of saying "passer-by", I said "walker-by".
(Hooey suggests that walker-by might well be an accepted phrase!)
- Of the late, I find myself becoming increasingly incapable of spelling. I shall not cite any examples as I hear that people tend to trust me a little too much when it comes to spelling and grammar. I'm being a good soul here by saving you from the confusion! Be grateful!

#2 I can't write my KI intro.
It's called mental constipation. You see, it is difficult to crap about conceptual things like knowledge. Neither does it help that my mind is overladen with frivolous thoughts about food and sleeping.

#3 There is PW tomorrow.

#4 I have been highly unsuccessful in motivating myself to finish writing my KI intro. THE END IS NEAR, THE END IS NEAR, PERSEVERE and you will not regret every ounce of brain juice so painstakingly crushed to complete the @%#$&@^$& intro.

#5 I am an idiot. There is a Biology test looming ahead and I feel inadequate already. (What a loser I am.)

#6 JUST FINISH THE @&#^&%@*^$*& intro, you useless numbskull! SELF-DISCIPLINE, where art thou?

constipated for words

2006-03-27T18:58:00.000+08:00

I've always found that the hardest part of a piece of writing (at least for me) lies in its introduction. Nothing is more horrendous than not knowing what to put down on that painfully blank piece of paper. The first word, then the first sentence and the finally the paragraph(s). A bad start could ruin it all.

~~But without a start, there would be no end.~~

I am sad to say that crap doesn't work all the time. Oh bummer.

amazing

2006-03-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

Ok I admit. I haven't been checking my Hotmail email account for eons. (Sorry if you sent mail there!) But I am glad I did today because I read something from a junior which made me feel so proud. (Crap, I teared! But may be that's partly because I am sick too).

I don't cry very easily. When we watched I am Sam during civics, while I found it thought provoking and heart warming, I didn't find myself even near tearing. Don't get me wrong, the actors did a wonderful job and the movie was all in all a work of art. It's just that sometimes, or maybe most of the time, my mind thinks more than my heart feels. (Whatever you do, just don't call me heartless! I will take offense.)

This email I received was in response to the one I sent to her yonks ago, perhaps something like 2 years back when I was just beginning to become a cynical sec 3. The gist is that she never threw my email advice away, even though it's been yonks since the time she felt herself disbelieving in the very same cause that I had set out to achieve at her age. My email was well, my usual style of take-it-or-leave-it advice, peppered with my quirky (and skeptical?) anecdotes about stuff we did in this particular cca. I was heartened to hear that she actually saw the value in my (crap!) message and has since used it as advice for the successors to this legacy.

Reading her very short but sweet message really made my day. And I still can't quite believe that I actually dispense advice that people are receptive to. I mean, most of the time, I really just crap.

So today, I'm one proud senior.
P.S. Ol' pal, remind me to elaborate more on this the next time we meet.

random shout-out

2006-03-25T17:27:00.000+08:00

I can't wait for 4th April! (except that there's bio lect test before that.)

And azi, whether you like it or not, you are a real romantic! Sigh. (Why are so many of my friends romantics?!)

-

2006-03-22T18:29:00.000+08:00

[Balpz, if you read this, I have a shout-out for you at the end of this post.]

She wants to be heard
but doesn't know
what
the right words are;
or when
is the right time;
or how
to say it the right way;
or whether
she will be right in the end.

But can anything be absolutely right?
(why the obsession with being right anyway?)

Who cares if she's right or wrong?
(psst... don't say that word. she's sensitive to it.)

What word?
(that w-word. she fears failure.)

Wimp.
(shush, don't be mean, you'll hurt her feelings.)

So...
she wants perfection
and won't settle for anything less
tell her to grow up
because
no one is
perfect.

(but what about finite perfection*?)

yeah, finite perfection.

(you know, lower your standards)

settle for something less.
as long as you tried
putting in an effort isn't wrong anyway, right?

*Finite perfection! I think it might be covered in empiricism&rationalism this term.

[Shout-out for Balpz: Oi pReEtY gEr! HaVe U eVeR sEeN mE bLoG liDDat b4? (whoa that was more tedious than it looks.) I saw your comment and that entry on blogs but no, I don't think I am capable of blogging in POWDERFUL England. But thanks for the compliment (hmm) anyway. I'd agree with you that different blogging styles exist and there really is no right or wrong so chill about blogging k.]

Sigh

2006-03-21T18:07:00.000+08:00

[Hello peeps. And yes julee, "grab shell" indeed!]

About two years ago, I remember one of the rg technicians telling me that I should never sigh and lament about life. You know, when I actually recalled his golden words of wisdom, I couldn't help but agree.

But I can't stop myself from sighing either.

Why. I think I'm just ~~sad~~ disappointed.

Flu

2006-03-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

[Disclaimer: The following is not a true reflection of the author as you usually know her by. She blames the germs for clouding her mind.]

After suffering from several bouts of flu since the start of 2006, I conclude that I must be on their "Most Wanted List". Either that or I must have the most vulnerable immune system around here. So far, the rest of the Family has escaped unscathed from the clutches of those evil viruses. I can just imagine those nasty non-living things multiplying like gigantuan mass photocopying machines, then jumping between cells, wrecking havoc in the otherwise orderly internal processes.

I pity the white blood cells most. The poor cells have been overworked and underpaid (well, not that I can really pay them, but that's not the point). And I guess that's why the lymph nodes are swollen.

So, here is a public apology to those hardworking WBCs. I owe you many...er...(just what do you make a deal with cells with)? Just make me recover quick. Term is reopening soon!

I am nonsensical, aren't I?

fortune cookies

2006-03-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

Hello again.

[Note: I would like to point out that I have a spelling error in my previous post. 'Perserverence' should be spelt as 'perseverance'. Apologies for that hideous error. I shall learn to use the spell check next time.]

My mind is like a limitless supply of fortune cookies. Ask me for advice or an answer to a question and it is highly likely that what you get in return is no more than a very vague response. I believe that I have perfected the art of 'smoking'/'fogging', in which I can appear to be spouting pearls of wisdom, when in actual fact, I probably have no idea as to whether I make any sense. This explains why I have a tendency to pepper the ends of my sentences with a somewhat non-commital and apprehensive "I think". Most of the time, you would agree with me that this sort of response is hardly ever helpful. I guess, it has the same effect as saying "follow your heart", which to me, is no more than saying "I don't know la."

The problem with 'smoking'/'fogging' is, like any gaseous matter, it will eventually diffuse into the surrounding air. In other words, your true abilities, or rather, the lack of, will eventually be uncovered.

So, maybe I should just be honest with a "Sorry, I don't know... (shrugs included)".

Then again, I hate saying "I don't know". It's as if you're not even willing to try. Sigh.

Maybe I should go hit them books and fill the porous space in the skull with something substantial.

2006-03-14T21:02:00.000+08:00

I live my life with many contradictions.

My name itself reeks of diligence and in my opinion, proscrastination is my best kept secret.

I am allergic to prawns but I eat them anyway. Thankfully, nothing much happens to me except for the occasional rash, which I sometimes suspect to be a case of "psychological attack" on myself. Silly, aren't I?

I have a tendency to take my own jokes seriously. No, seriously.

When I tell someone to relax, I probably mean it. However, it also means that I'm panicking/stressing out for you.

I hate conforming to trends and as an unfortunate result, I become a non-conformist. But I hate sticking out like a sore thumb, so I retreat a little and inevitably conform. Well, not always la.

[edit]
Basically, if you have known me for a couple of years, you would have realised that there are certain things which I am consistent with and others which I am hardly ever consistent about. I could go on and on about my contradictory ways but I shall save that for another time.

The main point here would be: I regret to inform you that I have a history of opening blogs and closing them as quickly as I design and re-design my layouts. (By the way, that's a bad thing. Huh.)

Wish me loads of perseverance and some mindfulness. I might just keep this one going.

P.S. I like the username hertreasuregarbage. I was thinking along the lines of her treasure is your garbage. To me, it pretty much summarises what I see around me all the time. The stuff I value most might not be the same as yours, but I guess, that's precisely what will be set me aside from you. What say you?

P.P.S. Did I mention that this layout was done entirely by your truly (with the aid of Macromedia Freehand and Dreamweaver)?